


The Ending

by Cgest



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Break Up, Dating, Hurt, M/M, Saddness, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 06:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4613925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cgest/pseuds/Cgest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas thought things were going well with Dean, little did he know he was completely wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ending

Cas sat blasting Ed Sheeran for the fourth hour in a row from his Macbook Pro. He never understood modern technology but it was one of the only things Dean had left behind before his second return trip to hell, and this time, Cas couldn't pull him out. 

Cas tried not to walk around the world like it wasn't covered by a gray cloud. He tried to smile during casual conversation with strangers, he tried to remember the bigger picture of life being kind and the many miracles it could grant. But his heart could not. His heart wanted to stop beating, because Dean Winchester didn't want him anymore, and if he didn't, who the fuck would? 

Cas tried not to remember what their last night was like together. 

Their lips a tangle together in the darkness. Mazzy Star blaring in the background, beer heavily hinting their breath. 

Every time Cas thought of Dean's hands on his body he wanted to break into a run just to get his brain to stop thinking. He felt trapped in a cage, like a wild animal who couldn't run free. His mind had become a prison, and Dean was there for a life sentence. 

Cas couldn't understand why Dean wanted to leave. He thought he was doing everything right. So what if Dean made him really happy? So what if every day until he got to see him again seemed like purgatory? Cas was a fucking angel, he understood what it was like to wait lifetimes for something you wanted to come along, but then again, angels weren't allowed to lust for anything, but lord, dear lord, did Cas lust for Dean. 

His blonde hair, and blue eyes, and slight frame. Cas wanted to lay on Dean's queen sized bed forever and melt there. He didn't want to think what would happen when he walked away from Dean's house defeated for the last time blasting Miley Cyrus the entire time. Cas tried to keep his shit together even after Dean texted him when Cas told him not to. Dean thought this was all a game. Feelings were never a game to Cas. Cas wanted what he wanted with his full heart, the purest of intentions, Dean was a separate story. Dean wanted what Dean wanted and never thought of anyone else. 

Cas tried to forget what Dean's breath felt like on the side of his neck as he was sliding an ice cube down his torso. He tried to forget how Dean's eyes looked as he mischievously told him he felt conflicted over the decision he just made to leave Cas. 

Cas tried to forget what it was like to hold Dean's hand while walking in the West Village, or what their first kiss was like in the moonlight in Central Park, or what it was like meeting up with him at midnight to go on a stroll. 

Cas's days just blended together, the mornings bleeding into nights with no separation in between, because everyday Cas felt a tiny part of him dying he couldn't quite fix. 

Cas remembered how he felt jealousy for the first time at learning Dean had new feelings for a different girl, when he thought Dean and Cas had something special. 

Nothing ever was special Cas soon realized. Every look and every touch and every promise of tomorrow, none of it was real, it was all a charade, and Cas was such a fool. 

Cas remembered how Dean wanted him to make a grand soliloquy. How he wanted Cas to fight for him because life was better than fiction, at least according to Dean. 

Cas was tired of fighting for Dean. He felt like all he had done for almost a month was fight for Dean in his own silent way. Cas had fought for so many others before Dean, why should he try now?

Cas sat switching from Ed Sheeran song to Ed Sheeran song, wanting to simultaneously slide a razor down his wrist because he had one too many Coors Lights and just thought life was fucking pointess. He was already an angel and didn't have anything to look forward to anyway, he might as well officially fade from existence. 

He thought about what he would tell Dean if he could see him one more time. How he'd give him his grand soliloquy but never, ever out loud. 

He'd tell Dean that he saved him, even if it was only for a short little bit. He made this shitty world a tiny bit more tolerable. The long days a gift instead of a burden. 

He'd tell Dean that for once, he never thought about what the future brought but only what the present held, how holding his hand felt like a lifetime of patiently waiting for the power to forget. 

Cas wanted to lay with Dean forever their last night together, because he didn't want to accept that the tiny little forever they had had a time limit. That was the thing about time, it was never ever on your side. 

Cas wanted to tell Dean that he had wasted all of his grand gestures on people who clearly did not deserve it before him. Hell, deep down Cas knew that even Dean was not a worthy contender for his affections. Someone like Dean could play with Cas's heart like a light switch, flicking it on and off whenever he so chose because that's just what he did. He was a young boy who didn't know what he wanted, and thought that taking someone else on his ride was all a laugh. 

Cas would never tell Dean how very wrong he was. How his small bed felt even lonelier than what it normally felt like because he would never be in it. How sad it made Cas to think about the fact that he'd never be able to kiss Dean's collar bones until his lips went numb, or how good it felt to have all of the air taken out his lungs from just one single kiss. 

Cas would never tell Dean that he just wanted more time. More time with him, more time for them. 

Cas sat with tears streaming down his cheeks, changing Ed Sheeran out for One Direction. He blasted the music so loud his ear drums might burst. 

Cas thought of One Direction as his only lord and savior--giving him hope for the future and healing him when he felt broken. 

Without Dean, all Cas felt was broken.


End file.
